UNFAIR TO THE FAIRER SEX?

Of all the things that are beautiful about our culture, one of those is the respect for women and the womenfolk and like all other things, there is adulteration and finally the whole purpose of the intended custom or tradition is defeated. Recently, I came across something similar that made me question the sensitivity and the integrity of one of these upheld customs.

A mother has a huge role to play in the lives of not just her children but also the other people who form a part of the family. She not just nourishes them with the food she  cooks, but also with her emotions and the moral support that she provides. I remember running to my mom for everything. The day started with her and ended with her and of course she was there in the middle in the night also, we never bothered to think as to when she would sleep and get up, all I remember is that I opened my eyes with her smile and slept seeing her smile.

So, why am I writing all this? It so happens that my maid’s daughter recently got married at the strike of 18 which is very nice. She lost her husband 8 yrs back and instantly was deemed inauspicious to an extent that she was held responsible for the loss of her husband. The loss of a partner is a huge trauma and then to handle insensitive and downright allegations like this is nothing short of ridiculous and unfair. With a long ailing husband for the past 30 odd years she was slogging herself working in 5 houses and then as a “bai” in an anganwadi nearby, not to mention that our house was the only place where my mom made sure she had her food, a cup of tea and also some rest. We went for the mourning over her husband’s death and I could not help but notice that there was absolutely no recognition for literally running the house and bringing up 5 kids, buying medicines and paying bills. Instead, she was responsible for everything because she had not taken enough care of her husband and not spent enough time with him.

From the time she joined for work in our house 12 years back, I saw her steadily deteriorating from health to sickness, first from carelessness, then overwork, loss of husband, grief and sheer desperation, finally into just more than a skeleton who still works like the Frankenstein. Every time I would load her on my bike to take to the hospital for a health and dental check up, she would jump off the bike and run away. Thank God my father is a doctor and took care of her sometimes when she agreed to take medicines. She almost felt guilty for taking any medicines and her logic never really made sense.

Why is suffering an integral part of a woman’s life in our society? Why can’t she deserve to live the way everyone does? Isn’t this what girls are taught in traditional conservative homes? That she has to be forbearing and patient and quiet and should not laugh loudly… and the list is endless. The husband, well most of them are allowed to marry even before the embers of the wife’s pyre haven’t cooled down, but the widow has to accept this as her destiny and live a fruitless suffering life for ever till she dies. In our community its crazy, she is not allowed to attend any functions, any naming ceremonies, weddings are out of the question till she has grayed and looks like someone’s great grandmom. Very very few people have done something about this and voiced their opinions. Isn’t this sad? How much worse could it get? They can’t attend their own daughter’s wedding, because she is inauspicious. And this is exactly what happened at the wedding. The wedding was financed by her, the jewels bought by her, I don’t even want to think what all she sold to get all that, the generous display of dowry was bought by her and where is she in the wedding? Far away in one of the dark corners of her house, where she stands and sees the wedding from one small opening in the window.

Someone else sent off the bride, someone else did the rituals, someone else sang, she just bled financially and stood alone in one dark corner of the house, looking from an opening in the window at her daughter being married off shedding tears of joy and sadness. How much worse could it get? The bride, her own daughter was not allowed to see her mother till the wedding got over lest something inauspicious and uncalled for event occurs.

In a society where a woman is worshipped as devi, this happens. We pulled her on the stage with the couple to take a picture and she walked with sheer terror, amongst venomous stares full of hatred and loathing from beings of the same sex, women of the same community condemning what she was doing. The worst enemy a woman can have is another woman, and the worst rituals come from the same society we live in. It is upto us to change it, the messiahs may come later, but the change starts from us. Let’s make an effort to change things, it is very much possible. And you know what? I did it and it wasn’t difficult either, just a little courage and a little faith.