Of all the things that are beautiful about our culture, one
of those is the respect for women and the womenfolk and like all other things,
there is adulteration and finally the whole purpose of the intended custom or
tradition is defeated. Recently, I came across something similar that made me
question the sensitivity and the integrity of one of these upheld customs.
A mother has a huge role to play in the lives of not just
her children but also the other people who form a part of the family. She not
just nourishes them with the food she cooks, but also with her emotions and the
moral support that she provides. I remember running to my mom for everything.
The day started with her and ended with her and of course she was there in the
middle in the night also, we never bothered to think as to when she would sleep
and get up, all I remember is that I opened my eyes with her smile and slept
seeing her smile.
So, why am I writing all this? It so happens that my maid’s
daughter recently got married at the strike of 18 which is very nice. She lost
her husband 8 yrs back and instantly was deemed inauspicious to an extent that
she was held responsible for the loss of her husband. The loss of a partner is
a huge trauma and then to handle insensitive and downright allegations like
this is nothing short of ridiculous and unfair. With a long ailing husband for
the past 30 odd years she was slogging herself working in 5 houses and then as
a “bai” in an anganwadi nearby, not to mention that our house was the only
place where my mom made sure she had her food, a cup of tea and also some rest.
We went for the mourning over her husband’s death and I could not help but
notice that there was absolutely no recognition for literally running the house
and bringing up 5 kids, buying medicines and paying bills. Instead, she was
responsible for everything because she had not taken enough care of her husband
and not spent enough time with him.
From the time she joined for work in our house 12 years
back, I saw her steadily deteriorating from health to sickness, first from
carelessness, then overwork, loss of husband, grief and sheer desperation,
finally into just more than a skeleton who still works like the Frankenstein.
Every time I would load her on my bike to take to the hospital for a health and
dental check up, she would jump off the bike and run away. Thank God my father is
a doctor and took care of her sometimes when she agreed to take medicines. She
almost felt guilty for taking any medicines and her logic never really made
sense.
Why is suffering an integral part of a woman’s life in our
society? Why can’t she deserve to live the way everyone does? Isn’t this what
girls are taught in traditional conservative homes? That she has to be
forbearing and patient and quiet and should not laugh loudly… and the list is
endless. The husband, well most of them are allowed to marry even before the
embers of the wife’s pyre haven’t cooled down, but the widow has to accept this
as her destiny and live a fruitless suffering life for ever till she dies. In
our community its crazy, she is not allowed to attend any functions, any naming
ceremonies, weddings are out of the question till she has grayed and looks like
someone’s great grandmom. Very very few people have done something about this
and voiced their opinions. Isn’t this sad? How much worse could it get? They
can’t attend their own daughter’s wedding, because she is inauspicious. And
this is exactly what happened at the wedding. The wedding was financed by her,
the jewels bought by her, I don’t even want to think what all she sold to get
all that, the generous display of dowry was bought by her and where is she in
the wedding? Far away in one of the dark corners of her house, where she stands
and sees the wedding from one small opening in the window.
Someone else sent off the bride, someone else did the
rituals, someone else sang, she just bled financially and stood alone in one
dark corner of the house, looking from an opening in the window at her daughter
being married off shedding tears of joy and sadness. How much worse could it
get? The bride, her own daughter was not allowed to see her mother till the
wedding got over lest something inauspicious and uncalled for event occurs.
In a society where a woman is worshipped as devi, this
happens. We pulled her on the stage with the couple to take a picture and she
walked with sheer terror, amongst venomous stares full of hatred and loathing
from beings of the same sex, women of the same community condemning what she
was doing. The worst enemy a woman can have is another woman, and the worst
rituals come from the same society we live in. It is upto us to change it, the
messiahs may come later, but the change starts from us. Let’s make an effort to
change things, it is very much possible. And you know what? I did it and it
wasn’t difficult either, just a little courage and a little faith.
